Here Are Your Weekend Horoscopes For September 29th-October 1st

Well here we are. It’s the weekend, meaning you have another opportunity to make good terrible choices and enrich ruin your life. Should you black out and text your ex even though you know he’s on a Bumble date right now because you stalked him on Insta happened to run into him on the street? Should you finally convert that bitch you’ve been frenemies with into a full enemy by drunkenly confronting her at your mutual BFF’s birthday party? Okay, so the answer to that one is always yes. But as far as other moves you make this weekend, that will be determined, as always, by the stars. 

Aries

We’re all for you getting out there and getting some, Aries, but you also need to remember that you have friends. Friends who have been there for you before you were capable of picking guys up in bars and who will inevitably be there long after. They’ll be understanding of your incessant bailing, but only to an extent. Don’t get to the point where you’re prioritizing dick over friendship.

Taurus

It’s time to put yourself out there, Taurus. You spent most of summer in a rut and pretending not to care, but it’s time to turn that shit around. This weekend you’re going to throw on some red lipstick, down a couple shots for courage, and then get your ass out to the bars. You look good, you feel good, and it’s about damn time someone else noticed it. Rather than hiding away in a corner with you friends, try placing yourself in the middle of the action and see what kind of attention you get. Because we all know any attention is good attention, right?

Gemini

Are you tired, Gemini? Well, you fucking should be. Anyone who has been running around like you have this past week has absolutely no right to contain any more energy in their body. For the sake of everyone around you, it’s time to spend the weekend as relaxed as you possibly can. You’re not thinking about chores. You’re not thinking about work. You’re not thinking about exercise. Your only thought is, “How many naps can I efficiently fit into one day?” Come Monday, you can return to that insane lifestyle that you call “productive,” but until then, please calm the fuck down.

Cancer

The lesson to learn this weekend is that not every action deserves a reaction, Cancer. Sure, it’s tempting to lose your fucking mind over the shitty stuff people do, but eventually you have to decide that your mental health it more important than letting those idiots know how fucking dumb they are. This weekend, take some time to practice restraint in this department. Believe me, you will be tested. A deep breath and quick mantra should do the trick. Try something like “not worth my time” or “where’s the vodka?”

Leo

It’s time to let loose, Leo. You’ve been suspiciously buttoned up for the past few weeks and, honestly, people are getting concerned. Your friends rely on you to be the life of the party, and your mellow behavior has everyone on edge. Re-assert yourself as the ultimate party friend and throw a rager this weekend. It’ll be a good chance to catch up with friends while simultaneously reminding them who the god damn queen is around here.

Virgo

You’ve been blessed with some real success lately, Virgo, which is super exciting. For real, you’ve earned it. But what you need to realize is that your success is yours alone, which means it’s best to celebrate alone. Your friends are happy for you, obviously, but they don’t love the constant gloating. In this one event we’re recommending you be a gracious winner and shut the fuck up about how well you’re doing. Brag like hell to your parents, siblings, boyfriend, pet, whatever, but let your less successful friends relax, please.

Libra

You might find people second-guessing your motives and aspirations this weekend, Libra. Fuck those people. You know who you are and what you’re about, and this is a time for sticking to your guns. Sometimes people throw stones because they know their own glass house would crumble under scrutiny. Show them that you’re made of fucking iron and stand tall. Besides, let’s be real, it’s going to be a straight white dude who tries to come for you and nothing is more fun than letting them know that their opinions don’t matter anyway.

Scorpio

You’ve been living the high life these past few weeks, Scorpio. Actually though, the Kardashians are wincing. While I’m sure it’s been super enjoyable, it’s also worth remembering that the holidays are around the corner and you’re going to be dropping money like it’s your job. If only. This weekend, take a break from the nonstop spending and just chill out a bit. Your wallet will love it and you could use the time to yourself.

Sagittarius

Feeling stuck, Sagittarius? That’s because you kind of are. Summer was fun, but it was all a bit redundant; you got into a tired routine and now it’s time to break it. This weekend, try something completely new and unknown. Go with friends, go with strangers, go by yourself—it doesn’t matter, just go. It’ll be a nice change of pace getting out of your comfort zone, and maybe this will give you the push to really kick-start fall. Go where the wind takes you—maybe you’ll find that you end up liking it there.

Capricorn

This is looking like a weekend full of turmoil, Capricorn. The good news: None of it is about you. The bad: It all concerns your friends, and you will be smack dab in the middle of it. There’s no easy way to navigate a situation like this, so the best move is to keep your head down and avoid everyone for as long as possible. You’re past the point in your life where you need to deal with other people’s petty bullshit. Let them sort it out and make your miraculous return in time for the make-up celebrations.

Aquarius

After a long week of dealing with utter nonsense, you’ve earned a reprieve, Aquarius. It’s time for a much-deserved, no-interruptions, no-questions-asked break. The only thing that matters this weekend is you and how content you are. Whatever it takes to get you into relaxation mode—do it. Curl up with a blanket, a book, a movie, some tea, someone—it’s up to you! All that matters is that the next 48 hours are as stress-free as humanly possible.

Pisces

Feel like letting loose this weekend, Pisces? Too bad, you have shit to do. There is a time for going wild and a time for getting your life together, and while the former occurs way more often, this is a weekend for the latter. You may be annoyed in the moment, but the relief that will wash over you Sunday night will make it all worth the struggle.

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